Bent Tree News

For the month of October, Bent Tree News partnered with Counseling Services to organize a Town Hall on domestic violence. Here we educated, empowered, and challenged every student and faculty member in attendance. The evening discussion was hosted by our own Roland Benoit, Jr. and Elaina Chance of Counseling Services.

While UC 272 was not filled to capacity as it ought to have been on October 17th, everyone present was exposed to much more than statistics, fliers and pamphlets. Our guest speakers, Patrice Altemus of Secrus House of Clayton County’s Domestic Violence Shelter, and Dr. Bernard Francis founder of the Center for Behavioral Change, had plenty insight into those that abuse and those that are abused. Also able to share was Miss Mary, a student who is an advocate for ending domestic violence. Her testimony, along with the wealth of information offered by the panelists, inspired and urged students and staff to also be advocates for positive change in the community.

The evening began with an introduction of the panel and an opportunity for each of them to speak. Ms. Altemus was the first of the three.

Just the previous day she and the Program Coordinator for Secrus House had a discussion about whether domestic violence could really be stopped. “We work 24/7 to try and do those things [eradicate violence], but how can we when the general public is uninformed about what is actually happening with family violence?”

Altemus described the cycle of domestic violence, the different phases an abusive relationship goes through. First there is the physical or verbal abuse, and then there is the “honeymoon phase” where the abuser reverses tactics. They become a sweet talker after beating their partner and try to explain or justify their action. “’When you asked me for money to go to Wal-Mart, it just got me kind of excited,’” said Altemus, giving an example of an abuser’s justification for violence.

Just as abusers have patterns of behavior, so do the abused. For women, Altemus believes it is the surprising lack of education and practical skills that are used to exercise monopolistic control over their partner. It is due to this manipulation and control that the abused often times remain in relationships that are unsafe and unhealthy.

She believes childhood relationships are a contributing factor in the maintenance of an abusive relationship. Positive healthy childhood relationships serve as examples of how to honor and respect our partners. “We partner off with each other, and ‘I love you and you love me, and baby make three and everything is going to be wonderful, and we’re going to get the house with the picket fence and we’re going to live happily ever after,’” said Altemus. However, with the promise of all this bliss, important issues can be overlooked. The question of if one of the partners were raised in a household of domestic violence is something that is often times not thought about in relationships.

To offset this, initiatives to educate our youth are crucial to eradicating domestic violence. “If we are able to have some kind of dialogue starting with very young people, then we will be able to stop the violence,” she continued.

According to Altemus, Clayton County reported 70 deaths due to domestic violence in 2006, “one is too many.” In other words, there were 70 people whose lives were taken from them because someone chose to take out their anger, rage, and pain on another human being.

The next panelist to speak was Dr. Bernard Francis, founder of the Center for Behavioral Change. Located in Decatur, Ga., the Center is a place where abusers learn alternate ways to resolve issues. For example, they are taught how to feel empathy and sympathy for others.

Dr. Francis reminded the audience about the different types of abuse: physical, mental, and sexual. He also mentions the “honeymoon stage” referred to by Altemus, but adds that over time this honeymoon stage decreases and the abuse increases in severity.

“It’s all about responsibility, and holding [oneself] accountable for your own actions,” said Francis as he shared what he emphasizes most to participants in his program. Often times those in his course feel that they have not done anything unjust. When doing a pre-assessment for the classes, many of the perpetrators “precede the incident with one word: ‘just’,” began Francis. “I ‘just’ pushed her. I ‘just’ shoved her. I ‘just’ put my hand around her neck ‘just’ to show her you don’t talk to me like that…and all these things are just too many ‘justs.’” After completing their program, the abuser learns that there are other ways to express their anger and that non-violent relationships are feasible and healthy.

Regardless of the type of abuse, abusers share characteristics such as low self-esteem, lack of trust, low tolerance of stress, and the inability to take responsibility for their actions.

The last speaker on the panel was Miss Mary who proudly stated that she was not, “here as a victim. I’m here as an advocate. I have overcome domestic violence, and I didn’t do it by myself.”

She tells her story of an inspiring and prosperous female attorney who employed Miss Mary as a housekeeper at her mansion. The woman caught sight of her face and inquired about her blackened eye. Miss Mary explained what happened to her. “There was something about [her] that empowered me, because I grew up in a family of nineteen, and our daily entertainment was our father…we grew up with my father beating my mother daily…pregnant, bare-footed…and in the kitchen. I promised myself I would not marry a man that was like my father. About two years after we married, I found out that I had married my father’s twin.”

“I came here tonight not out of grief…I came to empower you,” Miss Mary explained. “I want to empower the males. I want to empower the females, and I want you to know that love does not hurt.” She urged the audience, “The first time he hits you call 911.” She said just two weeks ago an incident occurred at her neighbor’s home that was most bothersome to her. While she was gardening she heard the agonizing screams of a young woman, she came from across her yard to find out that this young girl was trying her hardest to get away from a young man who would not release her. She was desperately trying to get away from him getting into her car and “he simply would not allow it.” He hit her so hard she could hear the sound of his blows, “and every time he hit her, her scream lessened and got softer. There were at least twelve men witnessing this event, and not one would react.”

She went over and urged the young man to stop hitting the young woman. “He stopped,” she said, but only long enough to “tell me where my old behind should go.” She attempted to use her home phone to call 911 but could not because her husband was purposefully occupying it. “I said ‘okay, this is the way it’s going to be.’ I had to use the last resort, because he was beating her to death. I went to get a gun, and I told him, ‘if they don’t get a hold of you, they certainly going to pick your ass up today.”

I had to do it because I’ve been there,” she explained. “I have lost jobs because I was beaten so bad I was ashamed. Every policeman in my neighborhood knew me, because I had to run. Pregnant, I had to run. You go and buy your husband a nice pair of shoes. You’re six months pregnant and you look and he’s stomping you with them. I’ve been through it. I don’t want you to go through it. My ministry is to break the cycle: domestic violence can be a generational cycle, and we must break it. When someone has control of you the one thing they don’t want you to have is knowledge, because knowledge is power,” explained Miss Mary.

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